Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
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Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
first you must answer his riddles
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works