me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
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How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Never forget.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*