One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
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People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Holy shit he’s back
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people