What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
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Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
twitter is a journey
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I gave up going to work for lent.