An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
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My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
he’s doing your taxes
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”