USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
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The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”