Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
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You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
the three branches of government
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs