They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
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the three branches of government
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
gm
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I’m already scared