*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
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If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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