Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
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Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Okay me first
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Coffee for people with no kids