Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
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please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…