Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
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I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound