Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
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I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.