Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
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My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
quarantine day 3
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.