“no gods no masters” = leo
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My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.