Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same