Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
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My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…