WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
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I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
Banking tips
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer