A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
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BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
These work great until they don’t.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.