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Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.