My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
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When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons