How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
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[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
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The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.