grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
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People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Just a bush.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
mmm onion ringos
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.