INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
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Basketball games are very squeaky.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
incredible
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.