I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
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I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Print is alive and well!!!
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.