My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
You Might Also Like
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
tis the season
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
cat vs inanimate object
This is what makes twitter great
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.