Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
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They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
guys I’m going home
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
who did the taste test?
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Cat.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
how to market bottled water to dads
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.