I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
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Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
My guardian angel deserves a raise
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
#FunnyLife Insects
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog