Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
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Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”