I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
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Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good