When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …