wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
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You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
eating my hot dog hamburger style
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.