me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
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If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.