There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
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When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.