I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
You Might Also Like
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.