A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
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roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08