Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
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My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
honestly, i need both:
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Pikachu found the lost joint
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.