My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
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Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.