Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
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I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
*pronounces UPS like yoops
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….