Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
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God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…