A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
You Might Also Like
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup