I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
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My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
What’s so funny?
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
True.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all