Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
You Might Also Like
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
uncle dave has been through hell
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.