My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
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Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?