Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
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Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
A double negative is a big no-no.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Acronyms got me like WTF?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁