Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
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If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having