Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
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You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Spa day..😅
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
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Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.