My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
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Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so