Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
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i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
thank god
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Meowchelangelo
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.