Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
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If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
*watches the world burn*
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers